A few weeks ago, I sent my husband an S.O.S. text. “I hate teaching. I hate teaching. I hate teaching. I am going to quit. I am going to quit. I am going to quit.”
Dramatic, yes. But in my defense, it was a Friday afternoon at the end of a very long week. A large number of students had failed my exams, parents were demanding conferences right and left, admin had filled our work day with pointless meetings, and I was drowning in unfinished lesson plans.
I don’t know at what point my stress turned into panic, but once it did, I could barely catch my breath. My heart began pounding inside my chest, demanding to be freed like a prisoner wrongly incarcerated. Muscles I didn’t even know I had clenched and tightened in rebellion. My lungs labored and faltered with a series of unsatisfying shallow breaths.
And then there were the walls. The walls laughed and mocked me as they inched closer and closer. Suffocating. Trapping. Daring me to attempt an escape.
God bless my husband who called me immediately and listened as I cried, cursed, and screamed my frustrations into his patient ears. The anxiety didn’t melt away overnight, but it did slowly get better over the days and weeks that followed.
One of the things God used to help me heal was a story about the Ten Boom sisters in the famous Holocaust book, The Hiding Place. Corrie Ten Boom and her sister Betsie were imprisoned in a German concentration camp, and Corrie describes in her book the horror and disgust she felt upon discovering that their barracks were infested with bugs.
Corrie: “Fleas! Betsie, the place is swarming with fleas! How can we live in such a place?”
Betsie: “God has given us the answer! Before we asked, as He always does. In the Bible this morning. Read that part again!”
Corrie: “It was in First Thessalonians. ‘Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus.”
Betsie: “That’s it, Corrie! That’s His answer! We can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks!”
Corrie: “Betsie, there’s no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.”
Betsie: “It doesn’t say, ‘in pleasant circumstances.’ Fleas are a part of this place where God has put us.”
And so we stood between piers of bunks and gave thanks for the fleas. But this time I was sure Betsie was wrong.
Months later, after Corrie and Betsie had turned their flea-infested barracks into their own personal mission field, God’s mysterious ways slowly began to come into focus.
Strangely, the Nazi guards who terrorized and tortured the women in every other barrack in the camp never stepped foot into the Ten Booms’ barracks. Because of this unusual privacy, the sisters were able to hold Bible studies, share Christ, and openly pray and sing to the Lord. Women were gloriously saved and radically changed in the pits of that Nazi concentration camp. And, as they learned only in hindsight, the only reason why the sisters were able to enjoy such religious freedom was that the fleas had kept the horrible Nazi guards away.
Betsie (and the Bible) had been right. There was reason to give thanks for the fleas after all.
After the dust settled from my stress-induced anxiety attack, I felt God comforting and challenging me with Betsie’s unconditional obedience to the words of 1 Thessalonians. “Give thanks in all circumstances.” If two old maids from Holland could obediently thank God for fleas in the middle of a German concentration camp, surely I could thank God in the middle of a junior high school.
During the month of November, it seems as if everyone follows the obligatory expectation to count their blessings and give thanks. This year, however, I feel God prompting me to something much more difficult:
To count my burdens and give thanks.
I’ll be honest. Being a teacher is hard for me. The long hours. The disrespect. The expectations. The noise. The effect it has on my home and my family. The stress and anxiety. I’ve cried more times in the junior high girls’ bathroom as a teacher than I ever did as a student.
And yet, this is where God has me. For now. For tomorrow. For however long He desires.
And so, I’m trying to thank Him in this place. In these circumstances. In this season.
Not because He’s fixed it. Not because He’s fixed me. Not because I feel thankful.
But simply because He tells me to give thanks.
Such refreshing honesty… thank you so much, dear Emily. You are undoubtedly making strides with your students which may never be “observable” in the short-term, but they are soaking in your diligence to show up every day! That is an almost-dying-out attribute in some families where abandonment is normal.
You are dearly loved … and one day God will show each of us what He has fixed (in His timing!). Till then .. ‘March on, my soul; be strong!’ Judges 5:21
We praise You, Father, for Your mercies are new every morning!
Thank you, Peggy!
I’ve been living the better part of six months on 60% wages. I’ve had 2 major surgeries. Even though it’s only 60% I still give to the church and others. I must give to receive my blessings . It’s only through Christ, who strengthens me, that I can do this because today I live his will for me, not mine. He shows me how to be happy, peaceful, thankfuland agrateful. I know I’m so blessed.
What an amazing perspective, Andrea! Much love to you, and many prayers that God continues to meet your needs during this time of less.
Some burdens have an obvious outcome that will be a pay off at the end. I had back surgery 5 weeks ago and have to wear a brace that feels like a boa constrictor for 3 months, but at the end I will have a better back. I thank God.
With other burdens we see no end, we feel discouraged and hopeless. I share a prayer with those who have a heavy burden today.
Lord,
We praise You. Thank You for loving us even when we feel unlovable and forgiving us when we feel we’ve done something unforgivable. Lord, forgive us where we fail You and strengthen us to do better today.
Father, I come to You on behalf of all those whose lives feel imprisoned and infested with flees. Beckon to them, that if they don’t know Your Son died for their sins that they will trust in You and accept the deliverance and freedom You offer with Your open arms waiting for them.
For those who know You, but are discouraged, Lord I pray You replace that discouragement with focus on things that are lovely, of good report, and things that are true. For those who feel hopeless, Father I pray You replace their hopelessness with a fresh hope that their future is held by You. Help them accept that You have a plan for their life, one to prosper them and give them hope, not calamity.
Thank You for freeing us, focusing us, and giving us the assurance that You have a plan for us because You love us beyond what we can comprehend. In the sweet name of Jesus, Amen
That was beautiful, Lanelle. Thank you! Praying for your back as well. May you be stronger than ever.
Bless you, Emily for hanging in there with your job even when it’s tough and you want to throw in the towel. Your students are blessed to have you. And thanks for this reminder of being thankful in spite of the tough stuff. Thankful to be added to your email list!
Thanks for the encouragement Dawne! Hope you have a wonderful holiday season!