Several years ago, my husband and I attended the funeral of the wonderful woman who lived next door to him when he was growing up. Evelyn was a sweet, godly woman who loved children and became the adopted grandmother to just about every child she encountered.

I’ll never forget what one of her family members said about Evelyn during the eulogy. He said that “she never let the sun set on her dirty dishes.”

Jason poked me in the ribs. I gave him a, “You’d better watch it or you’ll be the next one needing a eulogy” look. Then we both had a good laugh about it later. What a funny way to be remembered. How honorable. How domestic. How Proverbs 31-ish.

Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

Growing up, no one ever put too much emphasis on never letting the sun set on dirty dishes, but they did stress the importance of not letting the sun set on something much more serious: Anger.

“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesians 4:26 NLT

You’ve probably heard this verse in premarital counseling, seen its cameo in wedding vows, and maybe even noticed it cross-stitched on a sunset-themed throw pillow or two. The bottom line: Do NOT, under any circumstances, go to bed angry.

When I was a newlywed, there were many long nights when this verse and I were not friends. If you’re married, you know how much of an adjustment marriage can be. It has nothing to do with love or commitment or anything heavy like that. It’s just that the logistics of living under the same roof with someone new are difficult to manage. The newness can lend itself to many colorful discussions, and due to the normal flow of the work day, most of them naturally occur in the evening.

When this happened to Jason and me, there were many nights when I would lose sleep, toss and turn, and sometimes even wake him up in the middle of the night just so we could “settle it.”

Yeah, because that was a good idea.

But I thought that’s what we were supposed to do: stay up all night, lose sleep, yell it out and not rest one little bit until everything was resolved. After all, that’s what the Bible says to do, right? Don’t let the sun set on your anger. Paul says it right there in Ephesians! (Side note: Paul was single. I’m just sayin’.)

The Ten O’Clock Rule

After a few years of this, Jason and I established a new “rule” in our house: No talking after ten p.m. We call it the “Ten o’clock rule,” and it’s still in effect today. Naturally, that doesn’t mean we don’t talk at all, of course, it just means that we put all serious conversations on hold until we can discuss them at a time when we’re both alert, awake, and able to communicate most effectively. If it’s after ten and a subject comes up that either of us senses has the potential to go badly, we immediately point to the clock and put the whole conversation on hold until another time.

Just this one little rule drastically improved our ability to communicate. So. Much. Fighting transformed into intelligent conversations simply because we avoided handling touchy subjects when we were both exhausted.

But let’s face it, “No talking after ten p.m.” doesn’t sound nearly as romantic and holy as “Don’t go to bed angry,” does it? I began to feel like we were kind of cheating the system, you know? Like maybe we had found some sort of legal loophole in the Bible that wasn’t meant to be found.

The Other Side of the Sun

Imagine my delight when I came across a different piece of advice, still from the pages of God’s Word:

”Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.” Psalm 4:4 NLT

Um, say that again! I wanted to yell. Why in the world isn’t that verse painted above the headboards of every couple in the world who has ever said, “I do”?

Can it be possible for two seemingly opposite verses to coexist in the Bible, much less in our marriages? Absolutely! It turns out that there is something much more significant going on in both of these verses than the position of the sun during a disagreement. The commandment of importance is: In your anger, do not sin. How you follow that commandment (either by sleeping on it or by not sleeping until everything is resolved), can vary depending on your subject, situation and personality style.

Sleep On It

Christian author and social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn, researched this topic further for her book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and found that “sleeping it off” can sometimes be the most beneficial thing you can do to control your anger. “Sometimes the stress of work, family, and finances simply leave spouses too drained to work things out fairly,” she said. “Happy couples found that not trying to fully resolve conflict at bedtime sometimes allowed them needed emotional space and actually helped boost marital happiness.”

So it turns out, you have permission, both from God’s Word and from social conventions, to sleep on it if necessary. Instead of seeing the setting sun as an hourglass of pressure demanding that you reach a resolution before the rooster crows, evaluate the situation in light of these questions: What will give both me and my spouse the greatest likelihood of success to discuss this situation without sinning? Are either or both of us tired or worn out? Is this topic time-sensitive or can it wait? Will this offense I’m feeling now feel the same to me in five years or will I have forgotten all about it?

Sometimes, the holiest thing you can do is sleep. “Think about it overnight and remain silent.” It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep can do to give you a more realistic perspective on an issue that seemed hopeless just hours before.

What works best for you and your husband? Sleep on it, or settle it immediately?